10 embarrassing questions about sex. The sex therapist answers
Often, people prefer not to concentrate on the problem, because “bed is not the main thing in a relationship”, or to solve it, inspired by advice on forums.
Sexologist Alexander Ivanov is convinced that “sex is like breathing, watching and digesting food”.
“To forbid your loved one to receive the joy of sex is cruelty and violence,” says the specialist.
“It is the Ukrainian truth. Life” talked to Ivanov and found out what complaints are heard in his office more often than others, how to improve sex in pairs and what sex toys are vital for health.
If I go to a sex pathologist, am I sick?
Absolutely not. Going to a sexologist or a sex pathologist is like going to any other doctor.
Some go to make sure that they are completely healthy or to deal with the problems that bother them; some go to prevent some diseases.
What’s the difference between a sexologist and a sex pathologist?
Sexology involves all gender aspects of relationships. Its focus is on first dates, dating, finding common ground, understanding what your partner needs at the social, domestic, and then at the sexual level.
Communication is the most important thing.
Sexology answers – the questions of sexual education, sex techniques, fertilization, adoption and parenting.
Sexopathology is when a woman has an anorgasm (no orgasm), frigidity (no excitability), and men – erectile dysfunction. The specific issue that is engaged in sexopathologist – the top can not, the bottom do not want.
Most often the problem with sex is in the head, not below the waist. With that to a sexologist.
So it’s better never to go to a sexologist, just look for a sexologist, right?
Not really. You’d better go to a good specialist.
There are few sex specialists in Ukraine, and even fewer are good ones. You need to be confident in the qualifications of a specialist, then both a sexologist and a sex pathologist will do.
And how do we find this good specialist?
I would be very careful to approach doctors with a surgical orientation (these are former or active gynecologists, urologists, who now take as sex (patho) logicians). These doctors treat, I’m sorry, pussy physiologically.
I would trust more doctors who are engaged in psychology, psychiatry. The first thing a sexologist does is restore communication in pairs, parse partnerships.
You can’t just go to a doctor and say, “You know, I have an anorgasmia (impotence). What do I do”?
So it’s just the two of us who have to go to a sexologist?
There are cases when a person has lost a partner and lives with, for example, a phaloimitator. In that case, of course, you can come alone.
It’s important to understand that the fact that you’re both seeing a sexologist doesn’t mean that you’ll be sitting at the reception at the same time.
At first, each partner is opened individually to the doctor. The doctor, of course, does not reveal the secrets of one partner, communicating with the other.
After a while, the doctor brings them together to figure out the problem. It can be a conflict, misunderstanding, lack of opportunity to ask what you want, or even realize what you really want.
There are situations when it turns out that “I can’t” because my mother forbade it as a child.
What if the partner doesn’t want to go to a sexologist?
Well, then it’s bad. The rejection means there’s no communication between the couple anymore.
Your chosen one or your chosen one can’t hear you screaming for help and doesn’t care if sex is bad or not good for you.
Refusing to go to a specialist together is refusing a second partner the joy of having sex. Think about it seriously. Does your partner really have any plans about you?
Sex is physiology. It’s like breathing, watching and digesting food. To forbid your loved one to get the joy of sex is cruelty and violence.
Why is there even a problem with sex?
It’s crazy. The happiest people sexually who have a lower IQ from birth.
These girls never have a “headache”, they’re always ready, boys never have an erection problem.
However, truly wise people who sincerely respect their bodies and their needs can step over stupid inhibitions and enjoy sex.
Roughly speaking, the smarter you are, the potentially worse your sex is. This is due to the fact that at some stage of development a person began to forbid something under pressure from church, public opinion, or childhood fear.
For example, schoolgirls who know little about sex may be afraid that they will get pregnant if they touch the boy’s hand and this childish fear affects them in the future.
In addition, the issue of good sex is related to self-esteem. A person may underestimate the shape of their legs, chest shape, penis size and think only about it instead of enjoying it.
Plus, complex: a person is either too fixated on himself because of this, or on the contrary, too much thinking about his partner and cannot relax.
Why is a girl’s first sex with a new partner the nastiest? Because she thinks about what underwear she’s wearing, whether it’s aesthetically pleasing to throw a leg and whether it’s effective enough for her to pretend she’s having fun.
The best sex for girls is second to third or even fifth when she knows what to expect from her partner and can relax.
For boys, the coolest sex is the first. He’s got a new female, he’s won, he’s got it, he’s got it, he’s got it.
Why does first sex come in five seconds? Because he took so long to get ready for it, he’s already had mental sex with her 15 times.
By the way, a lot of pheromones affect her. It’s a natural body odor. If the olfactory brain tells you this partner is yours, it’ll work, if not, it’s useless to try.
However, I’ve seen couples who live in a long and painful marriage because they disgust the smell of the partner.
If I wake up in the morning, and my body smells so that I want to hug and kiss her, it’s it. And if you wake up and hear a body odor that doesn’t excite or even irritate and stink, there’s a stranger nearby. You have to run from him.
Of course, children’s experiences, psychotraumas are also important. Most often it’s violence in families.
Sexual violence affects 30% of boys and girls at tender age and most often within the family.
Almost all girls who come to me after the age of 30 have similar experiences as children. They have either been raped or molested, or both. This affects their sexual relationships with husbands, lovers and partners today.
What are the most popular complaints?
No joy of sex, no attraction and no desire. Sometimes one of the partners says he has to have sex out of a sense of duty and against his will.
It’s much worse when they both do. It happens, too. In such situations, the logical question that arises is “why do you have sex at all if you both don’t want to”. The answer is usually, “Well, it’s the right thing to do.” It’s not clear to anyone.
Women in families often suffer from anorgasmia with a partner and often receive full quality orgasms themselves: manually or with a device. It is impossible to say that these women are sick, their marriage is sick. The husband did not take care to find out how to deliver an orgasm to his wife.
Men complain that the frequency of desire is decreasing. The scheme works as follows: the less a man has sex, the less he needs it. This is due to a problem at the level of sacral nerve plexus: the fewer impulses go from bottom to top, that is, in the brain, the less it becomes and top to bottom.
While you are very young, this process works back and forth, but the further you are from 30, the worse and worse. You could say that such a story happens to women, but in men it manifests brighter.
And what kind of advice does a sexologist usually give when he hears about these typical problems?
The most universal recommendation for my patients is to learn to communicate.
Conversations in couples with sexual problems often only concern the household – “have your socks been washed and are you ready to eat”. Answer the question: Who lives next to you? What does he want? What does he want? What kind of books does he read? What kind of ideals does he have? You don’t have to talk about sex.
Sometimes people have great communication, but they can’t talk about sex. I explain that I’m not ashamed to say to my partner, “Hey, honey, give me 40 minutes, roll me on your knees before you get up my skirt and do it and this”.
If one of the partners does not get pleasure – silence will not bring any result and certainly will not make life easier for anyone. On the contrary, you should talk about everything that bothers you, and then try it both ways.
Even if two people pierce the body with pins and it suits both – go ahead.
There is another universal way to learn to understand each other in sex. Partners should play erotic games every day for a week, but without penetration. It is penetration obliges the girl right here and now to have fun, and the guy – to last as long as possible.
In general, everything is simple: playing, caressing, licking, kissing. Oh, yes, the main thing – we tell each other where to pet, where to hug, where to spin, and where to slap. If it’s too hot, you can masturbate, but it’s better to hold out for a week.
And third advice: free the bedroom from the screens and work. In the bedroom you go only to sleep or play sexually. All that distractions are in the garbage can.
No matter how you fight at the entrance to the bedroom – timeout. If someone’s not ready, let them go to sleep in the bathroom.
What kind of toys do you recommend?
Every girl’s nightstand should have a dildo. Even if a girl has a regular partner that suits her.
If she has sex once or twice a week, her internal reproductive organs are not getting enough massages. Have sex or use a diloimitator whenever a girl’s stomach gets heavy.
It should be thin and long. It should be thin so that it is not thicker than the partner’s penis, but long so as to massage the organs well. Preferably with vibration mode.
The attitude to the phaloimitator should be the same as to a toothbrush. Teeth should be cleaned not only for whiteness, but also to keep the gums strong. You should have.
There’s no obligatory toy for men. Men should massage the prostate. This happens during normal intercourse. Of course, there are imitations of vaginas and mouths, but it is not a health issue, as in the case of women. It’s a like/dislike question. And it looks pretty scary, too.
And so, a couple should have any toys that suit both partners: vibrators (vaginal and anal), flies, cork, balls, suits, lubricants. Anything.
And most importantly, for sex to get better, you have to do it more. You can practically improve your sex. If you have a question “Is my sex as it should be”, then, of course, it is better to go to a specialist and consult.