There are definitely fewer of them than strong and successful women.
In short, a real man is a realized man. Realization implies that he has: a) a Business (with a capital letter) that he is good at and enjoys; b) people (family, woman, children) that he loves and is responsible for.
At the same time, he enjoys both work and family. However, even if he is realized in one thing, he is still successful. Especially if he is realized solely out of inner need, and not to prove something to someone.
A man can be married or single. He can be unemployed, but a great husband and father. He may be childless, but a high professional. Another caveat: the important thing is not how much a man earns, but whether he can support himself (if he is single) and his wife and children (if a family man). Can he? Then there is no question.
It is important that he has love in his life, that he accepts himself as a man, and that he likes life in principle. In general, a successful man is the one who feels successful.
After the publication of “10 Rules of an Established Woman” and the article “Girls, You Spoil Men!” women rebelled and demanded from me at least some rules of an established man.
If anyone thought that I was inclined to ignore men’s flaws out of solidarity, that was not the case. The established woman column was conceived by the Cosmopolitan website, and it is aimed at a female audience. Somehow we didn’t think it would be interesting for her to argue about the signs of manhood.
A plea to moms of boys – loosen the bridle and let your sons learn to be independent
So, let’s move on to examining the signs of a real man – item by item, correlated with those published by Cosmopolitan. To be fair.
- He counts only on himself
It is interesting that, despite all the changes in public consciousness, the traditional idea of what a real man should be, almost does not change. Life, social success is still more important to men than it is to women. I, for example, am willing to accept a woman who lives off her dad or husband, but a guy right out of high school should count only on himself. For his own sake. To that end, a plea to moms of boys is to loosen the bridle and let their sons learn to be independent.
- He is self-sufficient
That is, he doesn’t cling to his mother, women, or friends, and in principle doesn’t see other people as a way to solve his problems.
- He is independent
Millions of men are directly dependent on both their mother and cigarettes at the same time, and most often on vodka and drugs as well. And again, hello to parents: the tendency to addiction (and at the same time to procrastination – the very not nailed shelf) is formed in childhood, mainly due to lack of support in the family. And especially when combined with mistrust and total control.
- He does not ask for help
Naturally, a man can ask for help in extreme cases, but he cannot live his life relying on someone else’s help all the time.
- He does not compromise
In the sense that he is not a patient man. He doesn’t bend, he doesn’t adjust to people and situations, he doesn’t maintain relationships “for perspective,” he doesn’t go to work that he hates, he doesn’t live with a woman he doesn’t love, he doesn’t swing between his wife and his mother, and he doesn’t let either of them manipulate him.
- He doesn’t compare
Man would be glad not to compare, but on a biological level is designed so that compares always and everywhere. However a successful, confident man is able to control this process and knows that it is much more productive to compare yourself to yourself, but yesterday. To ask yourself: “What am I doing better, faster, higher, stronger today than I did yesterday and a year ago?” This gives you real motivation to grow and a reason to praise yourself.
- He accepts himself for who he is
It is known that in our society it is customary to treat with respect those who are always unhappy with themselves and to whom any result seems unsatisfactory. And those who are satisfied, the so-called “resting on their laurels,” are kind of lazy losers. In general, this attitude has the right to life, but I insist that to treat your appearance, figure, size well – it is a man’s way. It’s called acceptance, and it’s much preferable to the constant grumbling about, “Should I pump up?”, “Can I be called tall? Or am I average height after all?”
The less a man loves and accepts himself, the less he is able to love others. There is also this correlation: the less self-confident a man is, the more complaints he has about his woman.
- He doesn’t run after women
I am afraid of incurring women’s wrath, but I am sure that an accomplished strong man should not run after a woman who rejects him by humiliating himself. It destroys his personality. This has very little to do with love. If a woman doesn’t give in to her advances, don’t pester her, find another one.
- He avoided the mid-life crisis or survived it with the least amount of loss.
- He knows firmly that a woman is just as human, only better
The Tired Macho Man and His Signs
Now a little bit about anti-male behavior, a pattern that in some families is presented as a model of a real man. This is the kind of ever-fatigued macho, who, before you cross the threshold of the house, plump on the couch and turns on the TV. And not because he is tired, but because, in the field of vision of the family, he is in the image of a husband and breadwinner. His posture is “all on me”, “I begat you”, “I feed you all”, and “I want respect, after all”. And so he’s lying there, flicking the remote, the kids and his wife come running in, set the table and immediately run away, because Daddy’s tired, Daddy needs a break, and in general, today is soccer, his favorite team is playing. “Yes, and bring a beer!”
Such men are not interested in anything except certain sports and certain brands of cars. In theaters and museums they do not go, explaining it strangely: “I work!” But statistics say that 70% of attendees at cultural events are women who also work. Just admit that they know how to combine work and a wide range of interests, while men do it with great difficulty. But if they do, then let them remember that the need for cultural experiences, craving for new things, the ability to feel and understand music, painting, and anything other than gadgets, is also a sign of manhood.
“The “macho” is turned on by those who have no more ways to assert themselves, to get at least an outward expression of respect in their address, to “feel like a man, after all. Usually the tired macho man is also an unappreciated genius. Between the ages of ten and thirty-nine, he continually showed promise, and then he stopped showing anything. He’s convinced that it’s the fault of intrigues, a dumb boss, a bitchy wife, or all at once that nothing came out of his brilliant career and now everyone around him is to blame for his failures.
Someone who has achieved something and asserts himself elsewhere behaves peacefully at home and is happy to give his time and emotions to his loved ones. His success and joy is to hug his wife, have time to read the children a bedtime story, tell them that he loves them. Oddly enough, only the strongest are able to do this.
Here we must admit that successful and strong men in our country are just a minority. And now there are definitely fewer of them than there are strong and successful women. And it is a vicious circle, because weak, incomplexed fathers cannot raise successful, mentally healthy sons.
The Strict Father and His Consequences
It is the weak, under-realized, complex-obsessed fathers who behave harshly with their sons. Demand that they fight, engage in “combat” sports – boxing, wrestling, soccer or hockey. And it’s good if the boy is ready and able to do it, if he is eager to fight. But if he’s not? Then he is subjected to insults (“weakling”), cruel taunts (“Maybe I should buy you pink tights?”) and bitter remarks like “I thought I had a man growing up” and “I’m ashamed of you, you’re not a man.
It is unclear what such tough fathers are counting on? That after their words the child will immediately grow balls of steel and become Ilya Muromets?
But mothers can be like that, too. Especially when they raise boys alone. They have the illusion that the father can replace his own severity, emotional “dryness”, severity.
I declare with full responsibility: you will not be able to raise a real man, if you “press”, humiliate, especially – to flog your son. But you will raise a violent neurotic with aggression and great resentment for life, which he will take out on everyone in the world: on women, classmates, fellow students, co-workers, fellow passengers on the train, and, in fact, on you.
His main emotion will be a thirst for satisfaction for his childhood humiliation and suffering. He will hate himself and “women,” and he will be afraid of men.
By the way, what we call corporal punishment is defined worldwide as “physical violence” (a legal term) and punishable to the fullest extent of criminal law. In many countries, what can and cannot be done to one’s own children is also regulated by law. And I think this is the right thing to do.
But in our country, against the background of general aggressiveness, society also persistently imposes on children its idea of what a “real man” is. Boys are told the same thing: “Don’t be a girl“, “Don’t behave like a woman”, “Give in, you’re a boy”, “This is not manly behavior”, and the most controversial of the attitudes is “men don’t cry”.
Having had the opportunity to observe the consequences of this approach many times, I can say that it has a very negative effect on the child’s psyche. They tell the boy that men do not cry, but he wants to. He feels weak and defenseless, heavy emotions accumulate, finding no outlet. Parents who actively disapprove of the child’s tears are no longer his friends, but the people to whom he cannot show his true feelings, his face. And the boy permanently learns that, if he shows weakness, he will not be understood or supported. And hello bouquet of complexes, headed by an inferiority complex.
The child should have the right and opportunity to throw out their emotions, to experience suffering, and then accept the situation and deal with it. By the way, grown-up, strong men are quite capable of shedding a tear if they are moved by something. And that doesn’t make them pussies.
Just love and its consequences
All women dream of a strong, kind, understanding man. I tell you how to get such a man.
A successful man is formed before conception. His parents love each other, are happy and wait for him to appear. From here on there is more.
If they support the boy at home, treat him warmly and with understanding, he will grow into a man who knows how to support and understand women.
If they accept the boy as he is, regardless of his physical and mental abilities, do not press him, do not burden him with expectations and demands, he will grow up to be a man who loves a woman unconditionally, and God willing, one for life.
If the boy is respected, negotiated with, his choices and desires are taken into account, he will grow into a confident adult man with high self-esteem, self-acceptance and the minimum of cute complexes.
If parents were in a difficult conflictual relationship, did not pay attention to the boy, shouting and accusing each other of all sins, he will behave the same way in his relationship. (If his childhood was very difficult – he was beaten, left with neighbors 24 hours a day, or even sent to an orphanage – then growing up, he does not want any family or children at all.)
If parents behave responsibly towards a boy – he will behave in the same way towards a woman, etc. Children in general develop only by analogy, not by following the rules that you declare, but by adopting your way of behavior.
So, dear dads of boys, remember that even if you do not live with your son’s mother, you are the main example for him. And when you communicate with your son’s mother, please do not dump old grudges on her, do not be disrespectful, let alone aggressive. So you almost do not leave your son a chance for a happy harmonious relationship with the opposite sex.
And so, dear mothers of boys, be attentive to your sons, do not be afraid to show love and show other positive emotions. Spend time with him, talk to him, don’t offend him with distrust and coldness. How many times have I heard from grown men, “If I like a woman, I can’t even talk to her.” And why is that? Because as a child, he had already approached his most beloved woman, his mother, and she sent him away. Probably even repeatedly.
One last thing
Dear men, no matter how you are at the moment, you can always be better, kinder, more prosperous. And you will do a great favor to your family, and especially to your children, if you make friends with your head, sort out your complexes, child psychotraumas and psychoses.
Only in this way will you be able to raise your son into a man – a healthy, happy, real man.