You’ll definitely need this advice if you’re from our planet. What, where, when and how! Hundreds of topical and vital tips for men.
1. Don’t be alone with a woman in a hotel room if sex isn’t part of your plans at all.
2. If there is no ruler at hand, use improvised means as measuring devices: all domestic banknotes have the size of 15 x 6.5 cm, a floppy disk — 9 x 9 cm, videotape — 18.5 x 10 cm, your penis — you know.
3. Ever since each of us managed to outrun 100 million other sperm, we have been guided by a competitive spirit. It is better to stop denying the importance of this motive once and for all and start using it.
4. Forty-five percent of those killed by violent death were familiar with their killers. Morality: the fewer people you know, the less willing you are to be sent to the world.
5. Lost in the woods? Come down to the lowlands until you meet a river or creek. Go downstream until you come out to Moscow or Khabarovsk.
6. The belt should be five centimeters wide at the waist and fasten to the third hole. And be in the same color as the shoes.
7. The more muscles you have, the more calories you burn naturally. Whether you sit or run, work or sleep. That’s because muscle tissue is 17-25 times more active in metabolism than fat.
8. Just talk about what you really know. You don’t know, just sit there and keep your mouth shut.
9. A good marriage is one where you never feel like you’re compromising.
10. The slower you do the strength exercise, the more muscle fibers are involved, the bigger they will be.
11. When you look at your penis from top to bottom, it seems smaller.
12. Learn to enjoy doing something nice for someone else. Learn to study female sexuality.
13. Muscles that make the same move for a long time, gradually adapt to use fewer fibers. In order to avoid idle loads, change exercises for one or another muscle group more often.
14. Never pay for a job before it’s finished.
15. Afraid of being criticized by their wives, many men stop having fun with tumbling, playing loud games with furniture and hype on the floor. Such men very quickly turn into sluggish and tedious dads.
16. Do not try to get the approval of all the truth and untruth. More respect is due to those who don’t care about other people’s opinions.
17. Don’t take a wait-and-see attitude to the symptoms of heart failure — pain, tightness and heaviness in your chest. I need you to see a doctor now.
18. When you pour beer in the middle of the glass, you get more bubbles, smell and taste. However, there is also a lot of foam, so first you have to pour the beer on the wall of the mug. Then direct the jet into the middle of the mug. The foam cap turns out to be small, but thick.
19. Don’t tell long jokes. Especially the words involved in the game.
20. The pants should be so long that no socks look out when walking.
21. Save the family idyll: * turn away from the TV; * listen to what she says; * repeat the last phrase; * say there’s a rational grain in it; * turn to the TV.
22. Don’t go interviewing first. The last candidate gets the job in 56% of cases. The worst day of the week for the interview is Monday, the worst time is the end of the day.
23. Rinsing and wringing a piece of meat can get up to 50% fat out of it.
24. The longer you ignore something — a knock on the engine, a crack on the ceiling, or a disturbing look on your friend’s face — the more you’ll have to pay for it at the end. For a while, everything will go well, but it will end up with an engine overhaul, a collapsed ceiling, and a broken relationship.
25. Watch out for the guy who bent his knees and holds his hands along his torso. He’ll probably try to break your jaw with his next move. Look him in the eye. Aggressive intentions are calculated by the characteristic tension of the eye.
26. The reader’s opinion: «When I wanted to somehow cover up a growing bald man, I bought an electric razor and shaved it off. No hair, no problem. Freedom. I don’t like my baldness. I’m proud of it.»
27. Tell your friend that you have a headache and that according to the latest research, testicular massage helps. It’s not worth mentioning that the experiments were done on rats.
28. The component that makes tomatoes red — lycopene — can not only prevent prostate cancer, but also cure it.
29. Women really like easy-going men more than they like stubborn men. But only if compassionate doesn’t compromise their ability to dominate. Weak and unwilling women are not quoted at all. Do not be afraid to disappoint your friend by expressing your firm opinion when choosing a restaurant, housing or number of children.
30. Do you want to be a father? Make children at dawn. The peak of male childbearing power comes in the early morning.
31. If you want to get the audience’s attention, don’t make more than three points in your speech. That’s the maximum number of thoughts that the audience can perceive.
32. According to research by scientists, serious competition of any kind increases testosterone levels in the body. Prolonged increases in testosterone levels develop the will to win. Victory causes a sharp jump in testosterone levels. Which stimulates mental activity and increases reaction rate. It’s an entertaining physiology.
33. Never tell a man he looks bad or sad.
34. Be able to save your life with the Helmlich method. If you’re choking, squeeze your fingers in your fist and put your thumb knuckle under your breath. Wrap your fist with your other hand and weave it several times in the deep and up direction. If it does not help, lean against the back of the chair or the corner of the table in the same place and make a few jerks, trying to get the air out of the lungs to push the stuck piece out.
35. To make sure you don’t miss a single muesli milk vitamin, drink white porridge at the bottom of the plate.
36. A man in socks and underwear is the worst kind of man. If there’s anyone else in the room, take off your socks before you take off your pants.
37. Rule N1: Don’t panic! Rule N2: Don’t panic! Rule N3: See rules 1 and 2.
38. Women like men who listen to them with interest. And they listen. And they listen.
39. Confuse the enemy with the look: * don’t blink;
* lean forward a little bit; * repeat to yourself: «This little devil is attacking my property»; * turn your excitement into aggression. * get angry at yourself for daring to get nervous * * understand that you can tear it up even if it’s not quite obvious.
40. To get a woman to orgasm faster, use the following technique. Instead of leaning on your hands or hugging your partner, lie on her chest. Stop friction and start stimulating her clitoris with rubbing her pubis. Just move up and down, maintaining full contact. The swinging movements should be slow and sad. It may not work out right away, but you’ll love the effect. And it’s not just you.
41. Men are obsessed with the development of all kinds of muscles — biceps, press, deltoid, etc. But the most important muscle is often left without our attention. The heart is the same muscle as the others. You can make it strong and enduring, but you can leave it sluggish and weak. It’s your choice.
42. A man healthy in all senses of the word should know many ways to enjoy life.
43. If you (God forbid) have to have surgery on a paired organ, don’t be lazy to get a felt-tip pens and mark the right place for them. The probability of a medical error is negligible, but it exists. And that way, you’ll control the process even when you’re under anesthesia.
44. If you’ve been pissed off with rage, take the time to write an angry letter or tell who needs a few affectionate ones on the phone. Put your thoughts on a piece of paper and let it rest in your desk. You’ll probably want to edit it later.
45. Does your head hurt? Stick a couple of tennis balls in your sock, tie it up, lie down on the floor and put your ball socks under where your head spins in your neck.
46. When you go to bed in a playful mood, you make a gift to yourself and the one next to you. For adults, sex is almost the only way to play. It’s stupid to miss out on that opportunity.
47. Serve it to the old people on the street. No comment.
48. Rudeness and impudence is most often the mask behind which hides the uncertainty. And hides badly, women easily recognize insecure men. They don’t go crazy about them. The bosses can entrust the work to an insecure man, but will not trust him. Only self-confidence conquers women’s hearts and the tops of ratings.
49. If you want to pump up your shoulder belt, there’s no better exercise than pulling up. Grab the bar with a straight grip, hands on the width of your shoulders. Slowly pull up until your chin is tied to the bar. Get down and repeat as much movement as you can. Do three approaches three times a week.
50. If your kid calls his mom «mama,» that’s no reason for you to start calling her that. Women can’t stand it.
51. Don’t wear zipper pants on your naked body, you might pinch something important.
52. If your lower back gets sick, stop wearing your wallet in your back pants pocket. A tight wallet presses on the sciatic nerve when you sit, which is responsible for the entire «ground floor».
53. Eat one banana every day. Potassium prevents the deposit of cholesterol on the walls of the blood vessels.
54. Many men complain of boredom in stable sexual relationships. Most of them forget that in order to get a lot, you have to give a lot. Ask yourself if you go to bed with the mood to improvise, be playful, original and thirsty.
55. «You’re kind of beautiful… you must be a model…» — that’s not a compliment. Not the nature that created it, but what she herself has achieved: «you have an amazing sense of humor,» «great taste,» «intriguing hairstyle.
56. If you’ve got a heart attack, follow this pattern: Hard coughing. If your heart rate’s broken, a sharp cough may be enough to restore it. Call an ambulance. Don’t try to get to the hospital yourself. Take an aspirin. Chew a pill so the medicine can soak up and get to the blood faster. If you insist on talking to a doctor, your life could be in danger.
57. You can eat right, exercise regularly, it’ll all be useless if you don’t sleep. Sleep at least eight hours. If you work out actively, at least nine.
58. Pets can also be involved in training. Try «stepping aerobics with a cat.» Step 1: Step on the cat. Step 2: Get off the cat. Step 3: Step on the cat. Step 4: get off the cat. Repeat this motion for 45 minutes or until you’re strong enough. You can use two cats to increase the load.
59. There’s only one catchphrase for dating that works: «Hello». Introduce yourself, ask her about her, then — and most importantly — shut up and listen.
60. Each of us has a perfectly pumped press — it’s just that a lot of people have it hidden under a layer of fat. You can get rid of it with regular aerobic exercises. And you need to pump the abs, focusing not only on the cubes themselves, but also the upper abdominal muscles and lower back.
61. Hot ten cancer-preventing products: broccoli, tomatoes, spinach, oranges, garlic, apples, soybeans, carrots, green tea, red wine.
62. Don’t confuse success with luck. Your own or someone else’s. The first is a natural fruit of effort, the second is an accident.
63. Regular sex improves the immune system.
64. Female interpretation of «15-minute prelude» (for information): The first 3 minutes. Kiss me as if I were the only one in the whole world. Turn off the TV and stop chewing. 4-6 minutes. Kiss me again. Now you can start touching me. It’s not like that. That’s it. Gently, as if it were a completely new experience for you. Let me touch you, too. 7-12 minutes. Very slowly start undressing me. Undress yourself. I’ll help you at the end. 13-15 minutes. Now you can plug in your mouth. Bite, suck, fumble… In sensitive places a little more gentle, in the others a little braver.
65. The closer you get to morning, the better you look. In other words, the less time left before the bar closes, the more generous women appreciate men. Just like the other way around. It’s not just the growing intoxication. The fewer men in sight, the more valuable each of them is.
66. Waiting for the turn from the left row, keep the wheels straight. If some idiot inadvertently flies into you from behind, at least you won’t be carried to the opposite lane.
67. Be politically correct when you’re discussing anything in the men’s room. You can never know who’s coming out of the next stall.
68. If you eat two apples a day, you’re very likely to lose five pounds a year.
69. Don’t check the contents of your handkerchief after you blow your nose. At least not in public. It looks awful from the outside.
70. Don’t sleep with someone you might have to fire, or someone who might fire you one day.
71. There are three tie knots that every man should be able to tie: classic, butterfly and pioneer.
72. Gynecologists have found that women who often had oral sex had a 50% reduction in the risk of preolampsia — complications of pregnancy. Nothing strange — it’s all about the specific composition of sperm that enters the female body.
73. To avoid a morning hangover, you need to drink mineral water in the evening (the more, the better), and wake up, eat a couple of tablespoons of honey under a strong coffee.
74. Any repair is, by definition, a man’s job.
75. A lot of people died because after the accident, they figured out a relationship standing between two damaged cars. It’s better to move the discussion to the side of the road — two crashed cars on the track can quickly be added to a third and fourth.
76. Read carefully everything you sign. A good one will be printed in lots and lots of letters. Everything unpleasant is described sparingly and in small print.
77. Faced with a serious medical problem, consult at least three independent specialists.
78. Ask for a raise if you feel you deserve it. Write down all your achievements that deserve encouragement. Take this sheet when you go to your boss.
79. Be brave. Or seem so, one thing is indistinguishable from the other.
80. Always keep something beautiful before your eyes, even a crumpled chamomile in a faceted glass.
81. Never leave behind a raised toilet seat or hair in the bathroom.
82. Don’t buy cheap tools. A good, expensive set will serve you your whole life and pass on to posterity.
83. Don’t leave funny greetings on your answering machine.
84. A smooth and firm gait speaks of your balanced character and self-confidence.
85. Park at the front row and away from the entrance. You’re 50% less likely to get scratched and have a chance to walk.
86. Any, even the most sensitive clothes can be rinsed safely in cold water.
87. When you’re praised, all you have to do is just say thank you. No more or less.
88. Think twice before weighing someone down with your secret.
89. It’s better to choose daytime for a blind date. If this doesn’t work out, it’ll be easier to break up.
90. Never leave your keys in the ignition and lock the car, even if you put it in your own backyard.
91. Don’t go for groceries when you’re hungry. Make sure you buy extra.
92. Always keep a blanket, a flashlight and a set of spare batteries in your car.
93. When you’re traveling, refuel the tank when the fuel level drops to 1/4.
94. Don’t use a toothpick in public. Or at least do it not very demonstratively.
95. Don’t trust people who ask you to be honest with them. Neither do the people who push you to be honest with them.
96. When someone says something important to them, don’t try to insert your «similar case». Let the man be the center of the conversation.
97. Don’t complain about lack of time. You’ve got as many hours in your day as Einstein, Gates and Soros.
98. Don’t go out until you’re reconciled.
99. In explaining your breakup with a woman, try to limit yourself to the line, «It was all my fault.»
100. Be more adventurous and braver. When you look back at life, you’ll regret more about what you didn’t do than what you did.