A list of things to do and things to do before you are thirty. Then you’ll have a family, credits, overweight, and it will be too late.
But while you’re free of all that, try to extend your youthfulness as long as possible.
You won’t need a magic elixir to do this. Just follow the recommendations on this list. Here’s what to do.
Get it done before you’re thirty – Task #1
A change of residence helps to keep things in check and protect one’s youth. Settled in one apartment for a long time acquires things, wants to settle down, and you can do it in ten years.
Even better to change not five apartments in Moscow, and five cities or countries – then starts a career that requires the presence of you, indispensable, in the office 50 weeks a year, will raise the issue of schools for children and will show other horrors of adulthood, the world outside the tourist areas and will not see.
Get it done before you’re thirty – Objective No. 2
As long as you don’t have a wife whining about the lack of money to fix the kitchen or a husband whining about the lack of attention on your part, try volunteering. Giving of your time and energy for the benefit of other living beings is fun, if only for a change – that’s all you’ve been doing all your life is consuming.
Good news for egoists: it’s not worth helping out for the abstract Human Duty, but because it feels good to do so, and whether the things you collected will reach the poor Negroes or be sold off by corrupt customs officials is not your parachute, at least you tried.
Make it to thirty – Task #3
Then again, you’re probably not in the zone of responsibility that you would be fired with a wolf ticket for a week without communication, so you can afford it.
Tell them that you are going to the Himalayas to take away the corpse of a relative who fell off a cliff, and bravely restore your psyche, which is shaken by communications.
Get it done before you’re thirty – Task #4
Four stars with air conditioning, all-inclusive and good internet – that’s what you’ll get every vacation season in the next forty years.
In the meantime – lowcosts, hostels, hitchhiking, random foreign companions, donkeys and camels, last minute tickets, diarrhea pills, route selection by flipping a coin, tasty and dirty eateries for locals, strengthening international friendships through resort romances with the natives – this is it.
Get it done before thirty – Task #5
It’s like the old women at the porches, cursing “prostitutes” for their short skirts, not for reasons of public morality, but out of envy that they will never wear such a thing again.
If you’ve had this urge since you were a teenager, lighten up, google Manic Panic and Crazy Color, and go ahead, let every first person on the street stare at you. This is a cheap way to feel like a star, and if you don’t like it, you can wash it off, because these colors are unstable.
Neon colors will not harmonize with wrinkles.
Get it done before you’re thirty – Challenge #6
Whether it’s the zombie apocalypse, World War III, or just being attacked by thugs, shooting bottles is a more useful hobby than ping-pong and Tibetan Transcendental Meditation courses in the basement of your house.
Get it done before you’re thirty – Task Seven
The sloppy punks, the romantic-Talkenists, the goths, the metalheads, the adherents of the occult sciences-all these are unforgettable experiences of immersion in other worlds if you are a little over twenty.
After that normal people stop understanding why this shit, when over there the fur coats are sold at a 70% discount, and still need to read the latest bestseller recommended in the magazine critics. Get a feel for it.
Get it done before you’re thirty – Challenge #8
This trick cannot be repeated in adulthood if you are not an alcoholic – as you get older, your body tolerates hangovers worse and worse, and you yourself stop having adventures.
And without alcoholic adventures, what is youth in Russia? A leap from high school straight into old age.
Have time to make it to thirty – Task No. 9
Just stand up, open your mouth, and honestly, cheerfully, and bravely tell your boss and the entire Ospace what you think of this rotten office. Don’t give a damn about the severance pay, half of your miserable monthly rate is a small price to pay for such a wonderful way to rise in your own eyes.
The main thing is to find a job beforehand and practice so that your voice does not shake: do not become a hero of the office, whose name and feat is still a few years whispered to new employees in the smoking room.
Get it done before you are thirty – Task #10
The chief expert on the political, economic and international situation in any country at any time is a pensioner at the doorstep, who knows nothing about government agencies beyond the mode of operation of the social security office.
You’re rapidly approaching it every time you devote ten minutes to making up a particularly witty tweet to fuck off in front of the same useless philistines. Meanwhile, Daenerys Targaryen was already commanding dragons at your age.
A great inoculation against killing your best years with fruitless criticism is to try to start something of your own and develop it to the status of a successful project, whether it’s selling seeds at the market or an SMM agency.
It is not certain that a blogger who fails already at the stage of filling the project page on Facebook will stop dipping oil traders in their professional failures, but perhaps deep down he will begin to understand what place he occupies on the scale from entitled to trembling creatures.
Get it done before thirty – Task #11
While anyone can sit comfortably at the firm of a classmate of their father’s, try to get a job at a company that you truly admire.
Even if you have to be a unpaid intern for a couple of months, this is when experience and a line on your resume will increase your market value, even if you can’t get hired.
Get it done before you’re thirty – Task #12
Or with the boss, or with a childhood friend of my parents. Now an older lover is an exciting experience, gerontophilia is next.
Get it done before you are thirty – Task #13
Is talking about religion irritating? Try infiltrating an Orthodox commune and understanding what their faith gives them. Technophobe? Make friends with technophiles.
A staunch urbanist? Go to a remote village for a month. This kind of exercise helps keep the mind alert, and it’s better to start early while your neurons are still awake.
Get it done before you’re thirty – Task #14
When you stop twitching woodenly and manage to move smoothly, like a panther, it will be a signal to the opposite sex: you own your body, you pay attention to it, you are confident, that is probably not a deck in bed.
This is not to mention the fact that in decent society, the inability to dance is akin to the manners of a paean putting his elbows on the table and tearing up a steak with his hands.
Get it done before you are thirty – Task No. 15
Parents, as we found out in high school, are not gods and are not always the right example. Teachers are also not very good people, superior to you at best in a couple of special disciplines. Peers are not luminaries of wisdom, superiors are pompous fools.
So why do you still take to heart the opinions of acquaintances and strangers, if there is your position, the position of the most important person to you? Those who are called natural-born leaders in popular management manuals have outgrown this dilemma by the age of five.
Surely you’ve noticed the aunts and uncles whose wrinkled faces hang over pink ruffles and kitty cat prints in glowing galaxies. These are people who haven’t played their cards right, and they feel a little sorry for them.
So while you’re young, don’t hold back, properly stock up on T-shirts with “Simpsons” characters, Slayer merch, “ironic” “aphorisms,” characters and portraits of celebrities, wear them until you get a lasting disgust so that at 35 you don’t embarrass others with a marching “SAMETS” on your beer belly.
Kazantip, with its balding movement veterans, in a dozen years will become another site where progressive retirees cautiously move their limbs.
Club discos are a thing for guys under 25; the Ibiza sky isn’t the same for the fourth decade.
Without parents, girlfriends, a boyfriend to replace your parents in everyday life, alone with yourself to go wherever you want, and most importantly, alone. Then a family will happen, and you may not realize for the rest of your life what you are and what you want.
Task No. 19
At least at an intermediate level. You don’t have to fall asleep in evening language courses after work and splurge on a tutor, just watch soap operas with Russian subtitles, then switch to English, and don’t be lazy to stop the movie to look up a new expression in the dictionary. As an option for a non-stressful study – Rosetta Stone.
Yes, partak does not suit everyone, and not everyone likes it. Minus a hundred to the credibility of the older generation. Once you get a little fat, you immediately look like a jilted eunuch.
But try at least a stupid temporary sticker on vacation, or let a buddy-artist pen draw you, suddenly it turns out that the tattoo – just what you were missing to feel like yourself. At forty, it would be a shame to do such silly things, but for now you can and should.
Unrealized childhood dreams are bad for adults – every other adult gets hung up on them and lives on automatic, instead of having new, more productive aspirations. Wanted to be an artist, but became an agricultural trade show equipment accountant?
Spend a year taking classes that will show whether you have an aptitude for drawing or whether your mother praised your doodles in vain.
Had delusions of flying before graduating from a food industry institute? Try to pass the driving test for the driving license of the B category without any bribe, and don’t crash your car in the first year; you’ll probably end up flying in the passenger seat of a corncobra thereafter.
Task No. 22
Whether for publicity or just to scare annoying neighbors in the compartment, but an alternative version of yourself is worth thinking about.
Neighborhood children will not forgive you a hole in their favorite toy, which you do in an attempt to soar into the sky, before thoroughly taken on the chest. No adult can resist a trampoline. Explore it now, before you get heavy in body and mind.
In the first fifteen years people wear what their mother bought them, in the second they wear what they like, and then it’s time to understand: what looks beautiful on Cara Delevingne does not look beautiful on 90% of other girls, a brand tag does not replace a sports club card, and if you dress like a retired circus performer, none of your new friends will recognize you as a PhD in Physics and Mathematics with a tremulous looking heart – everyone will see a freak-daltonic.
Open any site with style recommendations, assess soberly your type of face and figure, and draw conclusions.
It is normal to want children – children are a walking comic book, your personal army, an upgrade of a familiar close creature you care for, starting with a fish in first grade. Plus at least this way you’ll force yourself to act like an adult in a good way: try to be more conscious and better, not for yourself, but for the innocent creature.
It’s normal not to want children – the planet is overpopulated, you’re sorry to waste your youth on a spinster, responsibility is scary. But for God’s sake, decide which of the two positions you hold, and if the latter, take precautions, or better yet, get sterilized. The universe has not bestowed upon you the right to breed random creatures that you don’t even want, which means they will at best just be miserable people, at worst they will harden themselves and go hammering out honest people.
Even if it’s just an old building in the suburban cooperative next door to the great-aunt of your college counselor, it is still a magical feeling and one of the great joys of being an adult, especially if the house is not bequeathed to you, but was bought with the money you earned.
It is useful for any modern slave to sneakers and gadgets to remember that a person needs much less to be happy than marketers claim.
Get it done before you are thirty – Task #28
You will never make yourself actively strive for something if you don’t know exactly what the object of your desire looks like. Therefore, the abstract “I wish I had money” will not turn into the will, energy and action plan as long as wealth remains for you a distant attribute of crazy stars from the tabloids, who buy garish expensive rags, eat strange food at vulgar resorts and collect gold bars.
In the meantime, wealth is, in the first place, not a matter of bragging rights, but of saving time and comforts of life (twenty minutes of a cab ride instead of an hour of a cold, stuffed bus), health (compare the appearance of the average visitor at Pyaterochka with the average visitor at Azbuka Vkusa) and saving nerves on predictably polite service.
The one who has lived at least once in his own booked Hilton of the category “we do not work with Russian tourist groups,” it is much easier to get off the couch and work than the individual, passively drifting with the current in a school of fish of his class.
Get it done before thirty – Task #29
You can only acknowledge the music of AK-47, but if your mother drags you to a Madonna concert, don’t run away from the house screaming in terror. Superstars are pros at impressing even those who are strangers to their music.