How to have sex in a movie theater?

Don’t tell anyone we wrote about it, because it’s not very legal (but so wishful thinking).

If the art of kissing and knowing how to have sex in a car is more or less clear, then sex in a movie theater is a completely different level, which not everyone dares to go to. It’s a public place, there may be other people around, you only have a couple of seats at your disposal, and the time is only a couple of hours.

But just imagine. While the other guests of the theater routinely stare at the screen, eating mediocre mass-movie popcorn, you have increased heart rate, dizziness, shortness of breath, confused completely all thoughts, because you are out of your best physiological cocktail – testosterone plus adrenaline.

Movie theater sex is so sweet and so hot, because you can’t. It’s an absolute revelation to even the most intimate-minded people, so at least once in your life you should go for this crime. To minimize the chances of getting caught, or the risk of losing your entire erection altogether out of fear, here’s an explanation of how to set up probably the best date of your life.

STEP BY STEP INSTRUCTION

1 Choose a boring movie

If you have long wanted to see the new masterpiece Sorrentino or compare “Man on the Moon” with “Interstellar”, do not buy tickets to these films with the expectation of having sex there. You won’t see the movie and you won’t have any fun.

2 Find a movie theater away from home

Think there’s no greater embarrassment than being caught with no pants and an erection at the movie theater by the spectator next door? Yes, there is. This viewer will be your schoolteacher, the neighbor in the stairwell, your best friend’s sister, or, in the end, your mother. So for sex choose a movie theater that is far enough away from your home and office.

3 Choose seats on the last row on the edge

Of course, having fun should be on the last row. And preferably so that you sit on the edge and there are three or four unoccupied seats to the left or right. When I was a kid after school, we once went to a mediocre family movie and started running around the theater out of boredom. When we got to the front row, we immediately noticed a picture much more interesting than the one on the screen. A young couple, not heeding the “get a room” advice of the grannies in the courtyard, were having fun on the second row while they were being lit quite cinematically by the screen. Thanks to us, not only the entire auditorium but the mall soon became aware of the passionate couple. In the darkness of the back row seats, of course, we would not have been able to see such a scene.

4 Buy tickets for a daytime show on weekdays

You have already chosen a theater far away from home (and hopefully not in the center, there the halls are never empty), now you have to decide on the time. The ideal time is in the middle of the day. Go to a movie somewhere around 12-13 hours, so that schoolchildren have not yet finished classes, unemployed partygoers are not awake, and hardworking clerks did not come skipping lunch break at the movies. Or you may prefer the very first show in the morning (usually 6-7 a.m.), but be prepared that you may not be the only couple there, coming to the movies for sex.

5 Practice silent mode

The hardest part of movie sex is containing moans, sighs, and appreciative shouts of your lover’s name. You have to be cooler than any spy – enjoying your life’s work (and while you’re at it, this sex will seem like a major accomplishment) as unnoticed as possible by those around you. If you know that usually during the act of love you or your girlfriend is extremely difficult to call quiet, and close to the climax the neighbors start furiously banging on the radiators, you have to work on the “silent” mode. Next time you have sex, try to enjoy it as quietly as possible (at the same time you will please the neighbors).

6 Wear pants that are easy to unzip

You have to understand that you can’t take your pants off in a movie theater. They can only be unbuttoned. So keep this in mind when choosing your underwear and pants. And some more practical advice: avoid black options (you know what can happen, and on dark things light stains are most obvious) and jeans with zippers (multiply the pain of the fact that the new boots rubbed your heel, by 100).

7 Grab condoms (or at least tissues)

To save your pants from an unfortunate oversight that’s hard to foresee when passion rages within you, don’t forget to grab condoms after all. Unfortunately, they don’t sell them in movies yet. If you want to multiply your experience by three by dispensing with condoms, make sure you at least have some tissues (and don’t forget to clean up after yourself when you leave the theater).

8 Don’t buy popcorn

Even if you really like popcorn and you never go to the movies without burning corn, please remember this time that the purpose of your visit lies in a completely different plane and you will enjoy a completely different dish.

9 Arrive a little late to the movie

Just in case, we suggest you remain anonymous and make sure other viewers in the audience don’t see your face. Come to the screening 10-15 minutes after it starts, it’s guaranteed to be dark and people will be engrossed in the trailers or the plot of the movie.

10 Make sure there are no children around

Even though you picked the right time, are seated in the last row, and the nearest seatmates are sitting quite far away, look closely to see if there are any children among them. Adult people can still understand and forgive, if suddenly they suspect that you are not in the movie not for the movie. But parents who bring their kids to the movies to entertain them, not to teach them a lesson in sexual education, are sure to give you a public flogging. And BDSM in a movie theater is too much, even for us.

11 Start with foreplay

You will still be a little stiff at first. A strange place, not the most comfortable conditions, strangers. So do not immediately rush from the spot. Catch together the right mood, showering each other with kisses and gentle touches.

12 Go to sex

Movie theater seats, for some ridiculous reason, are not designed to support the weight of two people. So unless you want to fail miserably (in every sense), give preference to oral sex. When there is no one else sitting on the row with you, the most convenient way to please your partner is to get on your knees. If you can not boast of such freedom, then get rid of the handle of the chair, throwing it back, and nothing will separate you from each other. You can also check how stiff your neck is. Since it’s likely to be both physically and psychologically easier for you to enjoy yourself under these conditions than it is for the girl, act first. Feeling that you care not only about your own orgasm, she will thank you for such a gesture doubly (or triply, if the movie is long).

13 Never get distracted by a movie

The worst thing you can do while a girl is between your legs is to suddenly laugh at some joke in the movie or say something like “look at the special effects!” She’s looking at your dick in the moment primarily for your sake, so concentrate on the sex, not the screen.

14 Get out of the theater first before the end of the movie

You’re not watching the movie anyway, so it doesn’t matter if you find out how it ends or not. To maintain the same anonymity, and not to blush because a couple of viewers are discussing your behavior in the audience after all, flee the scene a little before the final credits. Breathe a little, check that all your clothes are in place and buttoned up, and leave the theater with the most satisfied face. After all, you’ve just starred in a terrific love scene yourself, not just enjoyed the movie.