With the help of relationship experts we find out how to arrange a life together so that everyone stays alive, healthy and happy.
It doesn’t matter if you move into a new penthouse in Manhattan after your wedding or if you rented one together in Biryulevo without any wedding. In both cases, it is equally important to arrange everything so that after a couple of months, do not scratch each other’s eyes on who is sitting in front of the TV on the left side of the sofa.
There are two basic principles in this case:
- When planning a move, do not try to seem better than you really are. Don’t tell her, “Sweetie, do whatever you want.” Any compromise with yourself that you make for the “development” of a relationship is a clockwork mine.
- From the very beginning, think about everything that’s important to you in your house and what you don’t care about. And agree with your friend (softly, intelligently) that your interests will be met. If you try to correct mistakes later, the discussion will certainly begin to be accompanied by a boyfriend, “You loved me”, and this is somehow not cool.
Blinded by feelings and can not understand what is important for you? Well, we’ll do the job for you with our relationship experts.
A map of the area.
There is a theory that men feel good in spacious rooms with minimum partitions, while women like to break up the living space into small cozy areas. They say that in the past men spent a lot of time outdoors, hunting and protecting the area, while women tried to build caves. However, our experts believe that such a rough division is primitive. “We make a choice between an apartment-studio or a Soviet layout with a closet and a winding corridor, based on our temperament, which does not depend on the gender,” explains private psychologist Viktor Ponomarenko.
Tip A person who feels good in the “landscape” is unlikely to feel a lot of discomfort in an apartment with a Soviet standard layout – he has a strong nervous system. And vice versa – someone who by the warehouse character can not be in sight all the time (nerves weaker), in a studio apartment with a combined living room, kitchen, bedroom and toilet sooner or later will earn a neurosis or run away in a more comfortable environment. Think about the type of person you belong to. And make sure that the apartment has at least some isolated space where one of you can be alone if you want. If we’re talking about a single person in Biryulevo, at least let the bathroom in it be separate.
Don’t just touch the guitar
Moving with your girlfriend into a shared apartment, you’ll probably learn a lot about yourself. For example, how much you appreciate your collection of native CDs released by Warp Records. All you had to do was listen to a few things and mix up the boxes. You’re no pedant, but the Drukqs album released by Aphex Twin in 2001 should be in a box labeled Drukqs, not the one that says Go Plastic or Squarepusher. Otherwise the collection is over. And that’s where you’re right. You have every right to demand that people close to you respect what’s precious to you.
Tip Calm down, explain to the girl how you want her to treat your collection (books, things, Mickey Mouse’s favorite mug). If the situation with the mixed up CDs repeats, talk again. Maybe then you’ll have to talk again, and then you’ll have to talk again. The important thing is, don’t score. She’s subconsciously checking the boundaries now. If she realizes that this is the third time you put your hands down and stop noticing how she puts your CDs under the cup so as not to leave stains on your favorite coffee table, you will automatically lose all future battles for personal space.
Important Do not view this “border check” as aggression from your “neighbor”. We explained that it’s all in her subconscious. Conduct explanatory conversations calmly. A scandal in such a case is not an assistant. “Why is he yelling at me about some fucking CDs?” – her lover will think and be right. And you’ll lose much of your charm in her eyes.
I live here
Boxes of things are carefully piled up in the hallway of your shared apartment, and your friend first of all begins to arrange their vases, pictures in the frame and candlesticks throughout the apartment. And you’re thinking about where your car collection will stand on a scale of 1 to 43. It’s clear that familiar things help people’s new place to live more quickly. But it’s not just that. Psychologists call it presence markers – a visible collection of cars is a symbol of the fact that you have certain rights in your common home, which no one disputes.
Tip When you move into a new apartment, the girl may decide that she decorates the apartment with her trinkets, and you for aesthetic reasons it is better to keep your good in the mezzanine. Defend the right to mark the territory. It is important that you have this opportunity, and what you hang on the walls and place on the shelves can be decided during further negotiations.
Important In turn, and you should not forget that the girl may feel a lot of psychological discomfort without the things in the apartment that you do not like for some reason. And in general, do not forget that all the requirements that you have to present to your friend in this article, she can also present to you.
The word “household” is not a good thing. But there’s nothing to be done about it: if the house is common, then we will have to keep it clean and full together. Do not sign up in a love fume that you will do everything around the house, even cooking. This is a time-consuming activity that requires careful planning, creativity and female patience. The only question is, how do you allocate responsibilities around the house (or how do you get her to do anything)?
Tip Start first. Choose from a list of household chores that you like. Add the ones you don’t hate to do. And get to work. Take out the garbage, ask your lover what to buy at the store on the way from work, change all the light bulbs in the apartment (even those you don’t need to change yet), pay for electricity, knock out the carpet, fix the leaky tap. Girlfriend who has a conscience, looking at the boisterous activities that you have developed, necessarily and herself will start to slam the household.
It is important to bear in mind that the gender differences in the modern family are gradually erasing, but no one has yet completely abolished them. If you play the archetypical role of a male miner, bring him into the house and pay for everything – do not make laundry in your list.
Sweetheart didn’t come back from work alone. A kitten soaked in autumn rain squeaks in her hands. Actually, you like pets. For example, you can bake a pig with garlic in the oven. But cats only cause antipathy – wool, smell, spoiled furniture and no good. It is not clear how to explain this to a loved one who is already mentally kicking her. But you’ll still have to start this conversation. In fact, your beloved has given you an ultimatum that cannot be ignored.
The advice to throw a poor animal out on the street or to agree that she can, without consulting you, bring new tenants into your common apartment? Do not torture yourself with this choice: the second option is not an option, but the easiest way to make your relationship hell. Psychologist Viktor Ponomarenko claims that the kitten may end up with another man. The logic of such an action will be simple: she needs a détente, and you will understand and forgive. After all, you are a real knight. In fact, in this situation, she has to choose between you and a kitten. And you shouldn’t care where she takes him if she decides to stay with you. But don’t be a Jeweler. Give her a few days to solve this problem, which she made up.
The other option is that your loved one begs you to get a pet long time ago and persistently. If you live in the city and don’t need a shepherd dog, for example, and you only see mice on TV, it means that your loved one is missing either a baby or the workload at work. Provide it either one way or the other. Or buy a dog if the baby is an even scarier option.
The first fantastic month of living together has passed, and then her friends appeared on the horizon. They’re ready to stay up late every night, because “you’re such a beautiful couple and you’re so mi-yi-lo”. You’d like to spend the evening at the TV, without any extra people, and in general – spend time together. But your loved one is only happy to have guests. Ugh.
Tip. After all, these are her friends, not yours. You can boldly ask the girl to reduce her visits to your house and reschedule them at a more convenient time for you. How many minutes (hours, seconds) you should spend at these bachelorette parties, and whether you should attend them at all, is up to you, too. The main thing is to warn your beloved about your decision, so that your departure in the midst of fun for her is not a nasty surprise.
Important If instead of reducing the number of meetings with your girlfriends after the conversation, your cohabitant just begins to spend evenings with them in other places – then she is not yet ready for you to make changes in their social life. Psychologist Victor Ponomarenko suggests in this case to gain courage and think about why you do not reach the status of the most important person in her life.
At the end of the day
You follow our advice in good faith, honestly and timely discuss with your friend all your concerns – but nothing changes. A neighbor still spoils your CDs, drags kittens and girlfriends to the house and throws his socks all over the apartment, although you just washed the floors – and you still have to cook. Well, sit down and wonder if it’s time to go. Okay, if you’re not married, but you just want to live together. Even a failed attempt to move in with a girl is a valuable experience that you’ll need next time. You get two unbeaten for one beat.
Bitch of discord
about why women are irritated by the unused toilet seat
Firstly, it is not so much a stereotype as the heightened hygiene sensitivity of some women. Not every man and not always sniper falls directly into the hole. Consequently, the product of life is traitorously splashed, leaving drops where, according to women’s reasoning, they should not be. Not every girl likes to lick all this farm, so it would be better if the splashes on the rim were hidden by a chair.
Secondly, women, as you may have noticed, pee sitting down. When you come to the toilet, drink or just in a dreamy mood, there is a chance to land a gentle warm ass on a cold, and not even sterile clean faience. Which, I’ll tell you, doesn’t feel good.
And, thirdly, it’s a banal desire to give the territory the status of “your common” (not personally yours). Leaving the seat up, you’re as if telling a girl that her needs and habits are not really taken into account. It’s more comfortable for you – and basta.
About why not all women get annoyed when they see the toilet seat up.
Actually, men sit on the toilet too, but I’ve never heard a man complain about sitting on a naked faience because the toilet seat was raised. Maybe wanting the chair down all the time is a manifestation of some kind of neurosis. Probably related to a woman’s need to prove to a man that she has areas of influence in the house as well. In a normal relationship, neither a woman nor a man needs such demonstrations.